today marks Steve and I’s first year together as a married couple. one: how fucking crazy is that. two: how fucking crazy is that!
and at the same time it’s not so crazy. i could not imagine a single other person i would want to carry out the rest of this human existence with. i believe our souls are linked together, interwoven and destined to find each other in this lifetime. yes, i know, barf. but i believe, one hundred percent, in my bones, that he is my person. the yin to my yang. my partner through it all.
so instead of writing a sappy post to you guys about him… this is my (sappyish) letter to him.
I’m not sure where to even start. There are so many things I feel — towards you, about you, because of you. Your arrival in my life has continued to rock me every day since I’ve met you. Never in my life have I had the fire inside of me ignited as much by one single person other than you. The way you see the world, the way you are passionate about making a profound change in it, and the way you articulate your thoughts, opinions, and ideas – matter of factly but not in the least condescending – I’ve never met someone so inspiring. Truly. You are extremely humble. You are told you are brilliant by anyone who knows you, and yet I have never once seen that go to your head. You are clearly aware of your intelligence, but you are also privy to the truth that egos are shit and the pitfall of human nature, so you take these comments and compliments with a grain of salt and always strive to do better, to be better, to seek higher. I adore your endless pursuit of figuring out what the fuck this life is all about, what impact you are here to make, and how you can support and help others attain their purpose. You are selfless. Sometimes I think you are too hard on yourself. A lot of the time, actually. I know you expect great things of yourself. I know how badly you want to make sense of what part you are supposed to play in this whole scheme of human existence. And I know that at times it is overwhelming, that the weight of your mind can be too much to handle. But I can assure you that whether you see it or not, your mark on countless people’s lives has already been made. And that’s how you know that your part is already well underway, because one by one, person by person in which you interact with, their lives are changing for the better. I know mine did. I know it still is.
You make me want to be a better person. It’s so cheesy, it really is. But you remind me, all the time, of what is actually important, though matter of importance is completely subjective. We share a common view on life and of beliefs, however, I am far more susceptible to letting this material world overcome me, to allowing trivial affairs set fire to my mind, to losing sight of clarity in midst of all the chaos. I get caught in flurries of emotion; I am empathetic by nature, I feel deeply, but sometimes it’s misplaced, or misconstrued, or tethered to nonsense. But you, you are the rational, the analytical, the poised. You help put out the fires and clear the clouds, you bring me back to my center. You balance me, in more ways than one; you are my unwavering strength. Whenever I come to you with my worries, my doubts, my inhibitions, you find a way to put perspective back into my field, and my mind opens up again, my heart beats calmer, my soul feels lighter. You are the breath of fresh air I will always need.
It’s hard to imagine what my life would be like without you in it. Not impossible though, because we’ve done it before. The break we decided to take while I was in Washington for college was a hugely transformative period of my life, as I am sure it had its impact on you too. Our time apart was necessary. It allowed me to experience many things and to come much more into my skin. I was able to be fiercely independent, to do exactly as I pleased, to figure out precisely what I gave a damn about and what I didn’t. It was eye opening. It was great. But I always missed you, even when I thought I didn’t. When I came to your bootcamp graduation after all the exchanged letters and phone calls, and I caught your eye as you stood in formation, everything inside of me lit up. It was so insane to see you there (and not just because you were standing at attention in total sailor getup), but because it hit me, in that moment, just how much I had missed you. And then, when we had to drop you back off at base, and I had to give you a final hug and kiss, it hit me again; my heart felt heavy watching you walk away, the tears came falling without warning, and in that moment, I realized just how much I loved you.
Every day since then has been a whirlwind. The months leading up to our wedding, you were so patient, kind, and loving. You addressed all of my fears without hesitation, you made time to talk through my anxieties regarding the pressure of marriage, the concern of my dad, the expectations of society that I felt. You made me feel at ease. Your faith in our future held me together.
People might think we’re nuts for getting married so young, that we’re going to miss out on certain experiences or other. But I don’t. I have had my fun with being alone and with “doing me”, and I know that I am not sacrificing anything by making this commitment. You encourage my independence, my goals, my passions, and I encourage yours. We are in this together. We are building our lives together. We are becoming better beings, together. We are not perfect. We argue, we disagree, we get angry. We both have our flaws, but I love you more in spite of them. I see your efforts, in trying to work through them, in trying to understand the inner workings of my mind, in trying to open up and communicate even when it’s the last thing you want to do. I appreciate and respect that more than you will ever know. Relationships are not always rainbows and butterflies — yes, it is effortless at times, but it is also takes work — a lot of it. We have overcome so many barriers already, jumped through countless hoops, made peace with our disputes — and we are coming out stronger because of it.
I remember when we were just dating in Colorado. Our sunset hikes, our wine and reading dates, our road trips to the mountains for snowboarding, our flights to North Carolina for holidays with your aunt and uncle. I remember our first kiss — 4th of July, drunken and sleepy, you told me I electrified you. A couple weeks later, you were leaving for Spain — we stood outside by your car embracing, and you kissed me, apologizing, saying you couldn’t help yourself, and that you couldn’t wait to see me once you got home. Another night, at our friends house, I was in one room and you the other, and you texted me asking to come outside, because the stars looked so beautiful and you wanted to kiss me under them. We ended up staying out there for hours, getting locked out of the house until morning, talking, kissing, soaking in one another’s presence. You said I made you feel like a hopeless romantic, that just the thought of me made you want to write poetry, that you wanted to travel the world with me.
Look at us now. Married, traveling the world, building day by day upon something amazing. It’s an indescribable feeling. I know that together we are going to do wondrous things. I have no doubt in my mind about that. Where this road takes us, I don’t really care. As long as I have you by my side, it’s going to be the adventure of a lifetime. You are my best friend. You have seen me at my worst — lost, crying, unsure of myself. Pissed off, jealous, hurt, throwing things. Bed head, puffy eyes, vomiting. And you have seen me at my best — confident, positive, motivated. Joyful, laughing, with light in my eyes. Curls, makeup, dressed to the nines. You have peeled back layers nobody else has been able to. You have made me question this reality, and the infinite realms outside of it.
What happens after this life, I am unsure. Heaven, Hell… whether they actually exist, I do not know. But I do believe that there is an afterlife of some sort. Not even an afterlife per say, but a return to the great cosmic One from which we all originate. I believe that we are born to life on Earth to acquire a greater understanding, to face the evils, the distractions, the internal conflicts, and to find our way back to ultimate peace. There are so many things that we, in human form, have trouble comprehending, and even if we do get a glimpse of awareness, it proves difficult to hold on to and maintain. But I think that’s why there are souls we are meant to come in contact with, people to guide us, push us, and believe in us. I am so beyond grateful that you are one of my people, so beyond grateful that I have your hand to hold through this journey.
I admire you. I cherish you. I love you. Here’s to one year of marriage, my love, and cheers to the many more.